30 Days of Devotional Dance

In 30 days I have come so far!  It is one thing to dance for myself and sharing it in small moments here and there but this was sharing myself in a whole new way.  There was much resistance and fear. I was sharing something so intimate, personal, and sacred out for the world to see… feeling bare, naked and vulnerable.  Four seconds of video was terrifying and I was judging everything.   I was worried about not being enough, of being too much, of being too sexy and looking like I needed attention… So many things… So many judgements. But I realized that this is who I am and I can’t control how others choose to see me.  So instead of watering myself down I am choosing to be me at a 10.

I am a master at wearing a cloak to protect myself and can make myself nearly invisible.  I only remove it bit by bit and for certain people that I feel safe to reveal my true self.  Over the past 30 days of removing the cloak, and not just to my friends but to everyone, a story from my childhood revealed itself… That others will look down on me for doing well and being happy and loved (I am ready to release this one).

As a little girl, I was very fortunate as I had many family and friends that adored me.  However, there were some that didn't seem to like this and would refer to me as princess but not in a good way.  At that time, I didn’t understand but I was taught to be polite and to make everyone feel loved and comfortable.  I began shrinking myself down so that I would go unnoticed and not make anyone feel uncomfortable. It was through my 30 days of devotional dance that light was finally put on this story and that healing could begin.

We all question our worthiness at time… “Am I enough?” I hold this story as well but on the flip side “am I too much?”. Facing my own judgement and anticipating that of others came full force with doing 30 days of devotional dance and with that came resistance to dancing at all, let alone posting anything.  In the beginning my videos were short and generally in the dark.  I pushed myself to the light and eventually the videos got longer.  I found myself posting even when it wasn’t “perfect.”  There are videos where I fall, I stop and laugh, there are ones with unflattering angles.  It forced me to stop taking myself so seriously and to see the beauty in the imperfection.  Interestingly, I learned that people seemed to prefer the videos I made when I was feeling the most resistant.  

It's been an interesting journey of exploration, play, laughter, resistance, unfolding, and really finding myself in a new whole new way.  In 30 days, I showed my heart, my soul, and my sensual and feminine essence.  I have made videos with laughter, posted even when my foot was sick led, when I fell, wearing frumpy pjs jumping around with my niece. Instead of fear, now, I post with grace and playful laughter.  I feel more free!

Scary. Freeing. Letting go of perfection. Awakening. Blossoming. Playful. Funny. Laughter

Ava AdinolfiComment